Queen of Shame
by TheQueenofShame
Summary: Currently just a small collection of 'poems' written along the course of the year.
1. Chapter 1: Hidden

_Finger to your lips,_

 _Say not a word_

 _Assurance is always needed,_

 _But no, asking would be absurd!_

 _Display no weakness, construct inpenetrable forces all around_

 _Become a vacuum, unless found in absolute solitude_

 _What is suctioned in must never escape_

 _Repress what cannot be controlled_

 _Display a warped perception of the self truth_

 _Refrain from such indecent exposure of self_

 _Heed such advice with high regard_

 _Lest be harshly judged_


	2. Chapter 2: Cursed with Fever Dreams

_Each day I put my body through hardship_

 _Whenever I arise, I am never refreshed_

 _Like how I used to be_

 _I arrive at school mere minutes after being tormented_

 _Each day I try to decipher this mental atrocity upon my consciousness_

 _All to no avail_

 _The deeper meaning of my wierder dreams are yet to be unearthed_

 _But the erotic ones remain an enigma_

 _Forever haunting me with unwanted lust and spiritual damage_

 _Why do I try to understand_

 _When the greatest aspect of my daily life becomes corrupted_

 _And warped beyond measure?_

 _It's no wonder I suffer through the night_

 _When I stay awake through the one prior to it_

 _Going to bed at an earlier hour does no good_

 _As it merely reduces the possibility of being tormented through the night_

 _Sleeping is meant to be relaxation and luxurious to the mind_

 _But instead it drags my mind and soul through Hell and back_

 _All because I suffer a sinful desire and this is my punishment for it_

 _Each day I shove it down deeper and move along_

 _What else is there to be done?_

 _My schoolwork scarcely pays the price for my torture_

 _As I become easily focused on it_

 _Even so_

 _At the end of the day,_

 _When all is said and all is done_

 _I suffer deep down inside with no cure to it_

 _My elders console me on the subject_

 _And I appreciate their understanding and selfless effort_

 _To get me well again_

 _But three years of unconscious torture have broken my sanity_

 _I no longer what is real and what is not_

 _My dreams and nightmares have altered that sense_

 _And my only release is to illustrate them and write it out_

 _Because if I don't surely I will go insane_

 _Not many out of my family circle know of my pain_

 _But I suppose it is better that way_

 _The less that know,the more that bother to care_

 _I have recently asked the Lord for insight on my dreams_

 _And I have been rewarded_

 _But my dreams only got even worse_

 _And a thousand times more bizarre_

 _I used to be fearful to close my eyes_

 _And travel through the freakshow of the mind_

 _That I am not sure is even mine_

 _Several aspects of my dreams_

 _May have direct sourses_

 _Should I be doing anything repeatedly before rest_

 _Everything else frightens me all the same_

 _There's nothing I can do_

 _To make it all stop_


	3. Chapter 3: Some Better Left Unexplained

My friend and I were close for a long time. Since my freshman year in high school,which was two years ago. He came to me at just the right timing,when I could really use a friend to talk to,to share my thoughts with. We were very much alike,and that's all that mattered. This is exactly what I wanted.

Just recently a good chunk of our local high school's students had gotten ahold of a new strain of marajuana. I was disinterested as usual,not being a drug user or a trend whore,and shrugged it off. It was a passing fad,and people will hype it up until something even better comes along and then that will replace it. That's how it's always been,and always will be. All I can do is ignore it.

Two weeks passed and the fad was still going ,I thought,was even worse than after Flappy Birds was released. Why were people so crazy for this new drug? As I've researched,it's exactly identical to regular,naturally grown marajuana. There weren't any genetic augmentations,no fertilizers,nothing. Or perhaps there were,and there wasn't yet enough information to say so,and that my sources were full of shit. I've asked people in my classes what was so great about the brand-new type of alien weed,and I got the same answer every single time.

"You gotta try it fo' you'll see how great it is."

After two and a half days of questioning,I gave up on trying to get anything out of kids my age. I started asking some of my teachers,because trends aren't just for mindless teenagers anymore,especially when drugs are involved. Just look what krokodil did. None of my teachers had done it,most likely because they'd lose their jobs,and as frustrated as I was that I obtained no new answers,I respected them for not following the crowd. I didn't stop at my current teachers,either. I asked the principal,my freshman dean,my counselor,everybody. This was the first time a fad was driving me to tears trying to decipher it,rather than ignore it like I usually do. I talked with my friend about it several nights in a row,and we were both left hopelessly confused at the end of each conversation. He had never done any drugs,either,and chose not to change his mind about his life decision.

I did,though.

At first I was hesitant. I knew what would happen to me if I smoked decision was a gradual screech in the other direction,as though my gears were strenuously pulling to a stop and revolving in the other direction. For days I asked myself whether I should do it. Then I found my curiousity rising even higher. What was the secret to this fad? I had to know. If the other kids in school cannot explain it,maybe once I try it I can-no,I'm better than once in my life,or even in my dreams had I dared to ingest drugs,and I shouldn't give in now. I didn't come so far in my life just to ruin it with an addiction. Hah! Me?Addicted? I could easily smoke a blunt or two and stay away forever. It's all about will-power. What am I saying? I've sat idly by and let myself become addicted to crackers and pretzels. What makes me think I can resist the temptation of coming back for more and more and more and more until...I become one of them?

Just one time. One time only.

I came across a rejected blunt hidden in the grass next to the school doors as I left early.I froze for about a minute,staring at it. The bell rang,and in a panic I snatched it up and hid it in my pocket until I got home and borrowed my mother's cigarette lighter behind her back. I slowly lit it,watching it burn. Watching it burn. I took a deep breath and took a puff. After waiting a minute,I growled in disappointment. Can one blunt even do anything? I wanted answers,so I continued smoking it,kicking myself for stepping so low. I never thought I'd give in to temptation,letting my curiousity and hunger for answers eat me alive. If this one little fatty does anything for me,it'll be the only one I touch. I swear it.

Before I knew it,my head started feeling weird about halfway through. I figured I must be sensitive,since my body and mind had absolutely no drug-induced influence over it whatsoever. I decided that was a good thing.

I immediately felt extremely thirsty and winded,as if I had been running alot. I rushed to get myself some water,setting the blunt down. Once I returned from downing four cups of ice cold water,I returned and snatched up the half-smoked nothing had caught on fire in my absence. However,even after I drank water,my mouth became very dry,and I coughed alot. My heart raced,causing me to pant and wheeze. I began freaking out,seeing as I was not currently doing any strenuous excersize. I pinched out the embers on my blunt and hid it between my sheets for the time being,and ran to get myself some water again. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was leaving my room and I saw that my eyes were very red,almost cartoonishly red. I started again and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my face,specifically my eyes. The redness went down,ever so slightly. I pooled tapwater into my palms and sucked down the water. I was extremely thirtsy and hungry at the same time,and no matter what I did I couldn't alleviate them. I expected this to happen,but I had no idea it would be this horrendous!

I regressed back to my room after munching on various junk food,my hands going to my head in aggravation. How long does this last again? About four hours?Jesus Christ! And I'll be disoriented for weeks!I made a mistake,and I had no one but myself to blame. I hated these symptoms,and I didn't see how people got addicted to even grew used to them. I decided to relax a bit,maybe that was my problem. I closed my dry,reddened eyes,cooling myself down. Before I knew it,I was asleep.

My mind was transported somewhere else. My vision was abnormally incredible,with me being able to see objects clearly at a distance,which I usually can't. Suddenly I went from being on the ground to in the sky,and my body felt weightless,like I was a ragdoll. In a flash of bright light I was teleported beyond my planet's atmosphere. I sucked in a breath,stunned by the beauty of my surroundings. I did not suffocate like I should have,but I did have difficulty taking deep breaths. Maybe it was just my lungs sucking in and breathing out the same oxygen over and over again,as if I was in a bubble,or under a thick blanket. This must be what space is like. My head ached,a ringing in my ears,and my eyes watering. I groaned in pain and tried to breath again,this time not capturing my portable air back into my lungs. My chest ached more and more,and I shut my eyes. This had to be a nightmare.

Gasping for air,I flailed around and kicked my feet. To no avail I could breathe,and I grew more and more panicked. My lungs were painfully empty,and my heart was racing. I could feel the remaining oxygen in my bloodstream quickly depleting with my struggles,resulting in my head growing heavy. I wailed out,scared. Scared that I was going to die. I found myself quietly sobbing as my final moments passed,my tears slowly floating away from my face,levitating above my eyes. I could see the tiny oxygen bubbles disappearing,making me cry even more. I wasn't ready to die...

Out of nowhere,a hand covered my mouth,and I was able to breathe again. The hand removed itself and I sucked in the sudden air around me. My hands went to opposite sides of my ribcage,and I wailed in pain as air filled my aching lungs. For several breaths my lungs ached,my chest shuddering with each exhale. After about fifteen minutes my lungs didn't ache as much,as the pain was now bearable. My eyes openned again,and my vision was blurry. I saw a triangular shape in my peripheral vision,softly pulsing with light. I turned my head in that direction and wiped my eyes dry,but the shape had disappeared. "Thank you," I whispered out loud,assuming the unseen somebody could still hear me.

I was up like a string.I thought I heard my alarm go off. I checked my digital clock-it was only five in the evening. It felt like I had been asleep for hours. Was my concept of time supposed to be corrupt as well?I shook off the time and did my homework,trying to take my mind off my nightmare. I had never been so scared in such a long,long time.

The next day,I smoked the rest of my blunt afterschool,having had a rough day being disoriented and all. I still didn't have answers. Why did people like this alien pot so much? Sure,it was mind-altering,but is supposed to be! There was nothing special about this crap,and it's not like the students who were raving about it had not done drugs before,either. They were used to it. Was this all one big scheme by the drug abusers to mess with my head? Were they being full of shit on purpose? I need answers!

I hastily smoked the rest of the blunt,my head aching from the stress. Like alcohol,it reversed my mood,making me chill out. Deep down,still,I was worried that my mind and body were growing dependant on it.I was becoming addicted. This was the only blunt I would ever smoke,and I would die by that promise if push came to shove.

I went to take another nap,and this time instead of going to space and asphyxiating I found myself lying under a pile of leaves. I leapt up from the cover of the foliage and stood up. I heard a voice tell me, "There is no answer." I sneered in response,instantly becoming pissed off. Yes there is,and I'm gonna find it!

I found myself walking around in the wooded area that surrounded me,my mood becoming worse. I doubted I would find the answer to the real-world trend in the very unrealistic dream world that I so feared,but it was worth a shot. I was getting desperate.

I kept my eyes directed at the ground in front of me,as if I was ashamed and didn't want to be seen. I came across some fungi and moss,as you would expect to in a forest,but I also came across...marajuana plants. Mostly young sprigs popping up out of the ground,rather than rich bushes. This part of the forest was so dark,though,and you need plentiful sunlight to grow marajuana as far as I know. I did not question this prior to waking up,fearing I would miss something vital. Taking a long look around,I finally understood. I let out a heart-felt 'ooooohhhhhh',as I had found out the mystery of the seemingly overhyped fad. I nearly cried tears of joy,and the same voice spoke to me...

Silly young lady,the answer was right in front of you the whole time!It was merely cloaked by reality and its illusion. Only the mindless sheep will know the answer. Sadly,dear,there is no answer for you. You have spread yourself thin attempting to decipher the mystery. Bravo,Meira.

I woken up rather peacefully this time,yet still parched and half-starved. I wondered about the possibility of forest-grown marajuana,concerned that my research sources were still bullshit. I had no idea who the voice belonged to,or why certain sections of words were vocally exaggerated. I concluded that the owner of the voice was also the owner of the hand that granted me oxygen in space when I was nearly done for. I looked down at my left hand,peering at the tiny leftover bit of the blunt that my mouth had been wrapped around for the past two days.I tossed it out in my trashbin and stood up. I smoked that blunt to get answers,but I left with even more than before. That was it! No wonder everyone was raving about this new strain of marajuana-it altered your mind differently,and that caused you to smoke more and more,each dose promising you answers but never doing so. It stressed out the drug users long-term,and calmed them short-term,tricking them into thinking they need the drug to function properly. Luckily,I myself have no connections to drug dealers,so I was easily able to resist the temptation that built up.

I called my friend on the computer, explaining my experiences from beginning to end. Crying a little bit, I told him what I had learned from all of this,and the secret of the trend. The people wanted answers,endlessly chasing them but never finding them. And for some reason they grew addicted to that hopeless feeling. Growing acclimated to becoming mentally crushed. I told him I realized that some things are better when left unexplained.

Some things are better left unexplained.

Never question dream logic. There is none.


End file.
